The last 4 months have been pretty overwhelming. Trying to wrangle my emotions on the daily, and feeling like a black cloud in every room I walk into has been the toughest of battles. I can't explain the way I feel when I am in a room of people I should be comfortable around, because I am not comfortable. I'm scared of making mistakes, of making others uncomfortable with my presence, or saying something wrong. I often don't have much of a filter, and I have seemed to just blurt out what's on my mind. I do know I am not alone. I do know other mothers who feel the way I do, and do the same thing. I don't mean by any harm or to be snotty, I just do it. Then there's days I really don't want to do anything. I feel like I need days, sometimes back to back days or more, to relax and not feel....or feel, feel everything I feel inside that no one else is aware of. I find myself sitting in the corner of couches not saying much, being awkward, and I'm ok with it. I've been trying to live my life openly and say yes to more things than I normally would. There have been so many situations over the last 4 months that I have been very uncomfortable. I get anxious about social gatherings or parties. I don't enjoy feeling like the cloud that walks into a happy room, so I have avoided a lot of those types of things, unfortunately. I don't think many people understand truly how I feel, unless you're that mom that walks into a room of other parents who know your story. Or are that couple that walk into a room and hear the whispers from others and the awkward sympathy smiles. It's not fun. It's an awful reminder of something I don't want to be unhappy about. It's something I want people to feel comfortable bringing her up. And with the sympathy smiles, it always makes me want to cry. I always give that quivery, uncomfortable, half smile back. I've also deactivated my Facebook for awhile. And since I've done that, I've felt better about myself. I was so concerned with other people, I needed to stop that and focus on myself. It has been so wonderful. Much more wonderful than I ever expected!
I've never had 4 months go by so slowly. So so so painfully slow. Not that I want it to go by quick. I would go back and relive April 20 over and over and over again. Relive the pain. The hurt. Everything, just to have those moments again, except this time I wouldn't take it for granted. The words of the doctors and nurses. I have flashbacks almost everyday. Sometimes they seem comforting, but other times I just wish they would stop for a few moments. I often see the meeting room we sat in when the doctor told us Kennedy died. The operating room as Kennedy was born, and the feels, the tears, the heavy chest I felt when I heard her little cry. The most painful car ride home. The physical and emotional pain we felt walking out of the hospital for the last time thinking that was it....we spent so many times walking around that hospital to appointments that I was uncomfortable leaving. I didn't want to. That was the only place I had from Kennedy. She was Mott Children's Hospital to us, and we had to leave.
This summer has been not the most of relaxing summers we've had. Even though that was my goal. We really haven't had much time to spend with just the 3 (4 if you include Izzy) of us, as Blaine still has to work, and the weddings we've had, the summer just ran away from us. Lately, I've been job searching myself, still. I've been job searching for the last 3 years, and no one wants to hire me. It just adds a little more frustration to the mix. The past few weeks have been good. I've started to feel a little happier, and feel better about myself. I've been working out daily, which has made me feel the best I've felt since December when we heard Kennedy's diagnosis. I still feel like I am grieving occasionally. I still haven't and I am not sure if I ever will accept the fact that Kennedy is really gone. I will never be okay with the fact she is gone.
I've found a lot of comfort in reading a blog called Scribbles and Crumbs. The mom lost her baby boy, Charlie. Her words resonate so loudly within me, I can literally feel her words going through me when I am reading. They aren't always the happiest of blogs, but they are real. They bring my feelings to life, and often times, that is the hardest part about all of this. I can't explain to people how I am feeling or what I am experiencing. If any of you are interested in reading an amazing blog, I highly suggest reading her blog, even if you don't directly relate.
SCRIBBLES AND CRUMBS BLOG
Carsyn has been so amazing to us along this grieving journey. She's 20 months old now, and we cannot get her to stop talking. She knows who her sister is, and will point out butterflies anywhere we are. She LOVES babies, and it kills me that she doesn't have her baby sister here. She will get the big sister opportunity again in the future, but who knows when that will be. Her love for her dog is unreal. She is always looking for Izzy. She feeds her everything she eats, and Izzy is more than willing to accept the half a granola bar or cheese stick Carsyn offers. They brighten my day and make me thankful for the blessings I do have in life, although I don't always act that way. I do get irritated easily, but Blaine is always there to swoop in and save me.
We ordered Kennedy's headstone last month, so hopefully it will arrive by December. It's humbling to be 25 years old and buying your headstone for your grave, and it wasn't done because I "wanted" to. I know for a fact I didn't want to have to bury my child, but she gives me something to look forward to. She has had a couple visitors who have left little gifts with her. Thank you so much to whoever you are. Carsyn loves all toys that are left out there. She never wants to leave when we go to visit Kennedy.
I also want to thank everyone for their continued love and support. As much as I wish I didn't need it, I know I do. I need every bit of it. Thank you all, again.
Ana </3
Love you Ana and always thinking about you and your family!
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