The Rollercoasters

As expected, my emotions are like a rollercoaster. Some days are very difficult and I am not sure how much more I can handle, other days I barely get by without tears, and then there are those days that aren't so bad. It's generally hard to deal with daily. The acceptance. The unknown. The questions. Not always do those things directly relate to Kennedy, but they can still be stressful, as almost everything seems slightly stressful nowadays. I feel like my to-do list has grown enormously and the deadline is already so near, but I have no idea how we are even going to be able to manage it all. Sometimes maybe I am being irrational, as my mind is someplace else, and although I think it may be important to do now, it probably is not. Hearing things I don't want to hear, in any sort of situation, is the most frustrating thing. Over the past month and a half, there have been more things I haven't wanted to hear, than things I have. I feel like a magnet to it, and there's no escaping. I pray and pray and pray that there will be a miracle. I know God will guide me in the right direction, but sometimes it's hard to give myself any credit. I often worry that I am not doing enough for Carsyn and am not being the parent she needs, especially when I have bad days. I know she is so happy and she has everything she needs, I just feel bad that my mind is often someplace else. I think the hardest part right now for me is I feel like I can't escape this. My growing belly is always there to remind me of this beautiful little girl, with an already broken heart, and it breaks my heart....every.single.time. I often find myself wearing Blaine's shirts, simply because they hide my belly. I don't feel that pregnancy glow that I felt with Carsyn, and I don't feel good in my maternity clothes, when most women feel beautiful. I'm scared people are going to stop me and comment on me being pregnant, just because I want to avoid that conversation. So many people ask how you're feeling and it's so hard for me to say I've been feeling good when emotionally I am a wreck. If I were to respond with an ok or an alright, there would be more questions. Physically, yes, I have been ok, emotionally it's been so hard, at least lately. The days I find myself feeling confident in my image, are usually my good days, but those days haven't been very often. As they say, "look good, feel good" and it hasn't been more true. Today has just been one of those cloudy feeling days, and thankfully Carsyn was great and played on her own (like she usually does), but she brought me many smiles when I needed them. Nothing makes me happier than knowing she is happy and so content with her life. She is going to be such a great big sister, with so much love.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB for a regular baby check up. Although, most doctor appointments have made me apprehensive lately, I always look forward to having more answers. I will be happy once Thursday arrives, so we will have a better layout of the remaining months. I swear the past two weeks have been the slowest weeks of my life. It has felt slower than how I usually feel running a mile (and most people know that is pretty slow). I am praying for an easy appointment tomorrow, and hopefully it will brighten my spirits. I just don't want anymore surprises. I do know that these times will pass. I will have good and bad days, and I completely understand that, I just hope the brighter days come along soon and decide to stick around.

The support from everyone has been very overwhelming, in the best way possible. We are so blessed there are so many people praying for and thinking of us. Thank you everyone. We greatly appreciate you. May God bless you, and always watch over you, as you have done for us.

Psalm 46:1